Many people, including Christians, rationalize using pornography. “Boys will be boys,” they say. However, the Bible says, in Galatians 5:23, that the fruit of the Spirit is self-control.
Pornography has no place in a Christian’s life. It demeans women, cheapens intimacy, causes shame, and devastates families. Looking at porn can lead to addiction, which generally leads to manipulation and deception.
I know it may seem like using porn is a secret thing that only affects the user. While it definitely does have profound consequences for that person, the effects of this secret sin reach his wife, his kids, and even his friends and neighbors. If a person is trapped in pornography addiction, he is likely self-absorbed and angry, which makes it difficult to have healthy, God-honoring relationships with others.
I realize that my husband’s use of porn isn’t my fault and that it doesn’t mean he finds me unattractive. Many women don’t realize that, though. The first time I found out that my husband was looking at images of other women, I felt highly inadequate. In time, I learned that this isn’t the case. Still, it’s unsettling to be out with one’s husband and to wonder if he is seeing the other women around you as sex objects. And the fact that he does see women as sex objects makes me wonder if he sees me that way–if women in general are not real people to him, but only a means to an end.
Guys who are addicted to porn often don’t respect their wives. Again, they may simply see their mates as people who exist to serve them. They tend to be self-absorbed, rather than humble servants who love their wives like Christ loved the church. (Ephesians 5:25)
I’m not saying porn addicts are terrible people. My own husband is a great guy in some ways. Most people would never suspect the problem. Those who know us well have sensed something wasn’t right, but most people probably didn’t.
And this problem is wide-spread, even in the church. Women need to understand what an epidemic this is. Men need to comprehend how hurtful it is to a marriage and family. (I realize that women also may struggle with porn, but I’m coming at it from the perspective of a wife of an addict.) It’s time for believers to get serious about this sin–to be educated and committed to living for God’s glory, rather than for temporal pleasure. I understand that addicts have a good deal of gut-wrenching work to do in order to be free, but it’s so worth it. My own family is separated right now, and divorce is a possibility. This has devastated me, and has negatively impacted our children.
If you struggle with this secret sin, don’t rationalize it–fight it, in God’s power. Don’t just consider yourself, but the others around you and the future generations that will be impacted. Join a recovery group and get individual counseling from a certified sex addiction counselor. Healing is possible!
If you’re married to a porn user or porn addict, you don’t have to put up with it. You can set firm boundaries and choose not to enable this sin. And you can get support. Many women are in your shoes. Women in the Battle has a supportive online community. There are support groups, and individual counseling is also a good idea. Healing is possible for you too!