Letter to my Jellybean: To My Little One in Heaven

May 21, 2015

My Dear Sweet Jellybean,

Just a few hours ago, your tiny heart was beating within my body. Now you are in the presence of Jesus. This is wonderful for you, my precious child, because you will never feel any of the pain and sorrow of this world, and you get to take your first steps in the midst of perfect beauty. Your first word won’t be to your earthly father, but to your Heavenly Abba.

I have asked Abba to please let my Nana be the first to rock you. Nana died a few days after your big sister, Cate, was born, and she never got to hold her, or any of my other children. But now that has changed!

You may wonder what kind of a name “Jellybean” is. Your Daddy picked it out. He has a good sense of humor (Well, your siblings don’t really think so, but I do–most of the time–that’s one of the many things that attracted me to him.) Anyway, I guess you were about the size of a jellybean when they removed you from my body. I take it that you’re bigger than that in your heavenly form.

The nice thing about a name like “Jellybean” is that it suits you whether you’re a boy or a girl. I feel that you are a girl, so I refer to you as “she” to others. If you’re a boy, I hope you will forgive my mistake. (Since you’re in heaven, I’m pretty sure you will.)

Though I’m happy for you that you get to grow up in the presence of the King of the Universe, I have to let you know how devastated your Daddy and I are. We have loved and protected you since May 1, when I took the first positive pregnancy test. We were so excited about having you. SO EXCITED! We announced it to the world, and so many people were excited right along with us.

I could almost feel you in my arms as I imagined rocking and nursing you. I envisioned going to a different part of the hospital than the ER and the OR. I thought with eager anticipation about going into the “Labor and Delivery” entrance, being in the Delivery Room with your Daddy, holding you in my arms for the first time, and seeing your Daddy’s smile when you were born. I am so sorry that your earthly life had to end in the OR, rather than you entering the world in the Delivery Room, my precious child.

I really don’t understand why you had to be taken from us. I know that, in a way, I am being selfish. Is it selfish, though, to love someone and to want a relationship with that person? I really don’t know the answer. Someone said that you were taken early because you were too beautiful for this world. Perhaps. But, in truth, this world could use more beauty.

My precious child, how I want to wake up and realize that this has all been a bad dream–the worst nightmare of my life. However, I know that’s not going to happen. As King David said of his and Bathsheba’s first born, “He will not return to me, but I will go to him someday.” Yes, my child, I will be there eventually. Please be watching for me. Show me around the place of perfect beauty. Be ready to share the stories of your perfect childhood with me. I’m looking forward to the day when I am born into heaven, and you are waiting for me in the delivery room.

Love Forever,

Mommy

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